As mentioned from previous blog posts, I received a box of letters from my sister, Syd - letters from my mother, father, brother and letters I wrote to Syd.
I randomly pulled out a letter from my brother and instantly saw he was harmlessly gossiping about me in less than loving ways.
I noticed how I felt and my reactions to what he wrote. This letter was written almost 50 years ago. My brother died in July 2020. There was no closure. He went to the hospital to get help for breathing problems, never to return. I think he, too, died of Covid, as did Tomaso.
I have to say how silly it is to have the reaction I did. Often his tone in describing a situation was gossipy. Except in this letter, he was gossiping about me.
Why do I feel I need his approval? Fifty years later, I was disappointed he did not approve of my choices in life.
He is my older brother, and we went through the 60s and 70s revolution together, not all together utopian, but often euphoric: not necessarily happy times, but deeply educational about ourselves and each other.
I could’ve been shocked to find he was not loyal to me, or he did not love me as I thought he did, or as I loved him.
Now is now. I stand up at all of my glory and resilience to say, "I do not need your approval. I do not need anyone’s approval."
We all know when he passed, he saw through the lens of a different framework. Now all he knows is love.
I am grateful to read the letter. I am sure another will resurface again. OM